electrical_doll

so to end the car story...
I ended up paying $1500 to fix the radiator and a cracked head casket...or something like that...
totally raped pretty much
but I guess its one weight off my shoulders


but right now I can't help but feel more lost than ever

a friend I knew since middle school died this week in a motorcycle accident
he was one of my good friend's boyfriend....they had been dating around 2 or 3 years and she was just gonna leave for Virginia this sunday to be with him

right now I can hardly eat and sleep let alone keep it together
my boyfriend, I'm afraid, either doesn't want to be with me any more, is bored,found someone new or all of the above
I don't know whats wrong, and its seriously killing me inside because I love him soooo much. More than life its self.
and, at least to what I thought, he loves or loved me too.
I don't know what to do
In the beginning I didn't want to even let myself fall in love...it scared the shit out of me...I never had a real serious relationship
and I didn't want to be vulnerable, and end up getting hurt
I didn't say "I love you" until I actually meant it whole heartedly because I knew the weight of the words and what they meant to me
I would never just throw those words around...to some people its so easy to say
even expressing that was hard at first because some how growing up I guess I learned to hide a lot of my emotions
and yes I'm still learning to show them...I've tried talking to him...I don't know what I'm doing wrong
I practically changed my whole life to be with him...moved away from my friends & family so I could be with him everyday...
which was his idea.
I apparently was everything he wanted
no, I'm not like other girls
I don't lie...I would never lie to him
I hardly ever get jealous
I never try to fight about stupid shit..."omg you totally just looked at that girl what the hell"
not anywhere close to being slutty
everything he liked because he wanted to be with someone who would always be there
I don't know maybe now he's realizing he doesn't want to be in a relationship at all
and then he'll end up dating/hooking up with all the girls he says he hates and end up leaving in a few weeks

I wish I had all the answers

cars are bullshit
money is bullshit
yet you need both
I just spent....wait....wasted $200 to fix my water pump which really wasnt the big problem my car had
of course that was pretty much all the money I have
I now know that it has a blown head caskett....the guy said it would take from $600-800 to fix
of course....money I don't have
and yes it makes me depressed
I don't have enough money to fix my car...I can only take it short distances aka from home to work....
work where I don't even make enough money to save
and yes, I'm always on the look out for a new/"better" job
but the reality of it all is if you want a higher paying job, you need to have gone to school
or at least have 6 months to 1 year prior experience doing some job you get paid $10 an hour for
bullshit yet again

to top it all off
I can't help but think that my boo is getting bored
of me
maybe he really doesnt want stability & love like he said in the begining
I couldn't be a better girlfriend if I tried
maybe thats really not what he wants
sometimes I think he'd just drop me in a matter of minutes the next time some fake blonde bitch walks by

Sitting on street corners
pondering death screams
through the doorways
a sea of unfamiliar eyes
losing myself in waves

ok so yes its true you learn something new everyday
about yourself
about other people
about life in general
I've come to learn that I really dislike girls
-it doesn't matter if you've been friends for years, they'll drop you in a matter of minutes
-oh and of course all the petty shit talking goes on
-Girls have such low self-esteem so they think throwing themselves at guys will some how fix the problem, making them act in disgraceful and disgusting ways really
-and then they get mad at the word "slut" YOU BRING IT ON YOURSELF!
-Half of them don't care if a guy has a girlfriend either...they'll try any way
-You little "scene" girls who go to shows just to see some guys on stage you think is hot
you make me sick
you know nothing about music
you really are just a little groupie in the making
and its ridiculous
you put a group of people on a pedestal, like they're someone to be worshiped
and you'll try as hard as you can just to get a hug, kiss, fuck whatever
because somehow...that's just soooo cool
FYI:
you're 12 years old
stop pretending

wow
the last month and a half have been indescribable
boy from The Black Dahlia show turns out to be the most amazing person ever.....
think I really did find something genuine
kind of a surprise never really thought anything would come of it like this...didn't really think I'd see him again after the show too

and never felt like this before
love? yes I think so

hmmmm
so theres this boy
surprise surprise

intriguing maybe

I have a friend
that only likes to talk about themself

and no love life

so last night started out really
really bad
we didn't have a way to go see the chariot, august burns red, sksk, and destroy the runner

but
we ended up going to papas house
rented a bunch of movies
spun...is crazy and awesome
sarah and I end up falling asleep
I here a knocking at the door
its mekenzie anthony and papa
anthony's like
"the bands here"

me- whatttttt...?
sees the white van ....uhhhhh...

"sarah...sarah SARAH get up
the bands here"

so Destroy the Runner starts walking in
hahah a little bit akward
everyone settles down
and we watch requiem for a dream
good movie
everyone passes out

in the morning
me and sars run to albertsons
to get breakfast makings

come back
make breakfast for the band

it was awesome
they were so funny
and damnnnn....

blowing smoke at spiders
abandoning excuses
violet shadows fight like elephants
painting hearts on the sides of houses
the night is my confessional

so my birthday was on wednesday

it started out pretty darn good
I actually finally got a tattoo....
then went to see the black dahlia murder...
first got there a few fights broke out
BIG fights
it was awesome
TBDM was amazinggggggggggggggg
met a guy...
cute
hmmm
I dunno

went to voodoo doughnuts
walked around portland
went to the square
cops and ambulances were there- some guy got knocked out
a gangsta was telling us his life story while eating our doughnuts
gave a dozen doughnuts to an old homeless lady
she was happy

I've just come to the realization that german music is brilliant haha and the boys are beautiful
I'm not kidding....amazingly hot

looks like I'm moving to germany!!!
;]

but this.....






makes me happy hahah
any one up for croquet at the mall?

Everything I once had
The bar on First Avenue, we went there solely for you
So you can flirt with my best friend
Kiss a girl, tell me why you're laughing

I won't hold on to this
There's a hole in the trust that we mapped out
in my bed for six long months

February, Valentine's Day,
did my best to avoid the red cliches
So you dumped me on the subway,
on my way to work at nine in the morning
Everybody else is holding boquets
Now i'm holding my face in the basement
Scratching away for any trace
Of affection you will leave
Falling victim as the public's prey

I won't hold on to this

Anyone is suitable for you, I guess, tonight
You weren't fazed
It's over with
You my beautiful
You weren't fazed
It's over with you my beautiful
With your beautiful blue and white
-The Honorary Title

I love this song it's beautiful

right now its perfect
seems to fit in someway
still feel I'm missing something
like I have for the last couple years

and I don't know what to do

so friday night was amazing....
friends
portland
cigarrettes..eh
had the worlds best nachos








met some awesome people
including some crazy/drunk dude
who decided to take a piss right behind me, facing the road
"um excuse me, your dick is

NOT

in your pants"
then decides to drop the pants altogether stand by the wall with it "tucked" then chase after us.
i love portland

the show was amazing
kane hodder rocks











and of course The Fall of Troy was unbelievable







night was one of the funnest I had in a while
needed that

I'm tired of being alone
tho I realize I must be scared of committment
I tend to push people away

...

yet another way to I ruin things for myself

self destruction
at its finest

show tomorrow night, yay
want to leave town
and maybe never come back?
canada, new york, L.A., Seattle
maybe I'll go back to Santa Cruz
anywhere other than here would be fine..
really, I wish I could just go from one place to the next